


A Christmas to Remember

by Magicandmalice



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Fingering, Angst, Barebacking, Begging/Pleading, Blow Jobs, Bucky Knows What He Wants, Bucky Remembers Some Things, Christmas fic, Explicit Smut, Fluff, M/M, Rimming, Sentimental Steve, Smut, Sweet Sappy Steve, stuckythorki secret santa 2015
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 02:03:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5479214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magicandmalice/pseuds/Magicandmalice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky had learned quickly since he had broken away from HYDRA, that while memories could hurt they could also heal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Christmas to Remember

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TophatsandCavemen (behindbucky)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/behindbucky/gifts).



> This is a Gift to [BehindBucky](http://behindbucky.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr for the [StuckyThorki](http://stuckythorki.tumblr.com/) Secret Santa 2015.

Bucky had learned quickly since he had broken away from HYDRA, that while memories could hurt they could also heal. Some nights he woke screaming from the horrors that invaded his still fractured mind, other times they came to him in the bright light of day though it made them no less terrifying. Though there were other times, few and far between they may be, that brought tears to his eyes from the feeling of peace and overwhelming love that they temporarily brought him in his otherwise battered mind and heart. A balm to the still raw wounds that were taking so very long to heal. Wounds that still on occasion bled hate and fear and the overwhelming urge to run and hide from everyone and everything.

This time was no different than any other. All it took to bring the memories to the front of his mind was a cheery little hearth fire burning away and a softly lit Christmas tree in the corner of the living room, several candles giving off meager light to complete the cozy atmosphere. Steve standing alone in the middle of the room with a gentle smile on his face and a small but brightly wrapped gift held in his hands.

The memories of the very last Christmas he and Steve had shared together pressed in from all sides and nearly sent him to his knees. 

*Cold, tired and hungry, stranded behind enemy lines and having no idea when help would arrive, or even if it would arrive. But they had been together at that moment in time. Alone like they hadn’t been since Bucky had left Steve behind in Brooklyn and shipped out to train and then the front lines. 

“I’m sorry about this Buck.” Steve had said morosely as he stared into their small fire.

While Steve may not have minded the cold at the time, Bucky had been more than grateful for the meager warmth the flames had provided.Thankfully they had found themselves isolated well enough and Steve felt safe enough to even get a fire going this night. Shivering in the dark woods of the surrounding forest they were hiding in, Bucky had leaned in closer to the blond. Delighted when Steve’s arm came up to wrap around his shoulders and pull him closer, holding him longer than he ever dared to back at HQ. Warmth washing over him from the human furnace known as Steve Rogers.

He had sorely missed having such casual intimacy between them. Not to say that it had never happened, but they had to be so very careful back at HQ and even out in the field with the other Howling Commandos. Could never let a touch or look linger too long, had to be so careful to never act as anything more than close brothers. A pat on the back, an arm over the shoulders even the occasional hug they could justify at the right time. Anything more intimate than that and even Captain America would be facing a dishonorable discharge.

But this? It had been close to two months since the last time they had been able to steal away an hour for themselves. Fumbling in the dark to remove enough clothing to avoid a mess, lips sealed together to hold back any sounds they made. Hands clutching desperately at any part they could reach of one another.

But that night found them so very alone. They were isolated, no fellow unit members, no military soldiers or officers and despite being in enemy territory they had seen no one in almost a full 24 hours, civilian or soldier. The pitch black of the surrounding woods making it seem as if they were the last two people alive. Nothing to stop them from doing anything they wished tonight. Bucky felt himself grow warm from more than just the fire before them. Though there were a few lingering wisps of disappointment at not being back home and warm for tonight, Bucky found he honestly didn’t mind it as much as he probably should.

“I see nothing for you to apologize for, Stevie. Way I see it, neither of us are injured and we are as safe and secure for the night as we are going to be. I have you all alone and to myself. I can touch you without reprimand and court martial. I don’t need to censor my words or actions because someone might, might, be around to see something they shouldn’t. I could think of a lot worse ways to spend the night.” Bucky said, trying to assure the blond that he wasn’t upset about their ruined plans. 

“It’s Christmas Eve, Buck. We had plans for tonight.” Steve murmured sadly. 

“So we did, and while those two days of leave would have been perfect for those plans. Just having you alone with me right now is enough. Well I wouldn’t object to being a little warmer, but I am sure you can take of that for me.” Bucky purred, as he turned his head to rest between Steve’s neck and shoulder. Breathing in the familiar scent of his beloved.

“Buck…”

“Steve, are you really going to sit here all night feeling sorry for things you can’t change? Cause I have to wonder how many more times I am going to get to have you to myself for an entire night, in the dark and all alone and I for one can think of so many more enjoyable ways to pass the time.” Bucky said before moving quickly, pushing Steve back just enough to swing a leg over his lap. Bucky smiled down at the blond from his new position, legs spread wide in order to straddle the other, hands coming to rest on broad shoulders for balance.

“Do you want me to beg, Steve?” Bucky asked with a slight roll of his hips.

“Bucky what if someone…”

“Stevie, shut up.” Bucky whispered as he leaned in and kissed Steve hard and hot and achingly slow. The way he had been dreaming of for weeks. The low groan that drift through the air urging him to bury his fingers in short, blond hair and deepen the kiss just that little bit more.

“With such a convincing argument as that how can I say no?” Steve murmured against slick lips.

“Knew you would see it my way.” Bucky purred. Back arching as a strong hand ran down his spine slow and heavy.

“Let’s see about warming you up since you asked so nicely.” Steve said, slipping a hand under rough fabric to find the smooth soft skin beneath. 

That had been the last coherent words either had spoken for the night. Gasps and sighs dissolving into the surrounding darkness as the fire beside them died down. Moans and whimpered pleas for more pushing them further and further into forgetting everything else around them in a way they could never dare to do back home. 

5 days later Bucky fell from a train. The broken and desperate look in the blue eyes of his beloved the last thing to follow him down into the start of the next 70 years of a living nightmare.*

“Bucky? Buck? Hey, come back to me Buck.”

Bucky opened his tear filled eyes and looked up from his spot on the floor. Steve knelt before him, hands reaching out but not quite touching the still disoriented brunette on his knees. The same blue eyes he remembered seeing as he fell to his supposed death right before him. This time they were clear of the despair and fear he could still feel squeezing his own heart. Tipping forward into the arms he knew would catch him, Bucky gave himself a moment to breathe and to try and get himself back in order. Inhaling the once more familiar scent of his lover as he centered himself uncaring of the tears leaving wet tracks down his cheeks, it wasn’t the first time Steve had seen him cry in the last few months. He also highly doubted it would be the last time either.

“What were they of this time?” Steve asked softly. He had seen Bucky fall prey to these flashbacks before many times recently. It hurt to see the other like this but he knew there was nothing he could do for the other than be here when he came back to himself. Sometimes it helped Bucky to discuss what he remembered and other times he had to step back and let Bucky handle things on his own. He didn’t press though, never asked for anything more than Bucky was willing to give.

A fact Bucky was eternally grateful for. The last few months had been trying for both of them as Bucky had worked so hard to try and regain some of what he had lost, some days were better than others. Steve had been by his side through it all though, giving him whatever it was that he needed. Be that a shield from the outside world, space to be alone to battle with his inner demons, a friend or as in the last month, a lover once more. But he never pushed, just let Bucky go at his own pace. This time though he thought sharing wouldn’t be so bad.

“I remembered a night alone behind enemy lines. Asking you to keep me warm in the cold, dark forest without a soul around, a night of you worshiping every inch of me with only some dying flames as a witness. A night where for the first time nothing was held back between us.” Bucky rasped out through a dry throat and mouth. 

A sharply in drawn breath from Steve made Bucky draw back a bit to look up at the blond. 

“You remember it too don’t you? Our last Christmas together? You were so upset about being out there on Christmas Eve, but I had you and I remember thinking at the time that you were all I needed right then to be happy. That night I had never felt more loved, more free.” Bucky whispered, hand coming up to trail gently along the warm skin of Steve’s flushed cheek.

“Buck.” Steve choked out.

“Make me feel that way again, Steve. For tonight let me be weak and selfish, I don’t want to fight any more. I want back what was taken from me.” Bucky found himself almost begging. 

“I am yours Bucky, have been since the day we met. Nothing is ever going to change that, I swear. You are not weak, never think that of yourself. Terrible things were done to you, which in turn made you do terrible things as well. But you survived what they did and I see you continue to fight against those horrors every day to become more than what they trained you to be. You’re the strongest man I know Buck, you always have been. As for being selfish, I see absolutely no harm in asking for what you want. Especially not if I am more than willing to give it to you.” Steve whispered as he pulled the brunette closer and leaned down just enough to rest his mouth beside an ear just tipped with a pink blush.

“I would give you the world if you only asked for it.” Steve said so softly Bucky almost didn’t hear it. 

Bucky was unable to suppress the shiver those words caused, but it would be a lie to say he didn’t believe every single one of them. It would also be a lie to say he wouldn’t burn the world to the ground, leaving nothing behind but ashes if anyone was to even attempt to take Steve away from him again.

“Make me feel that way again, Steve. Make love to me like you did that night.” Bucky ordered firmly, he wanted for there to be no doubt of what he was asking for from Steve. The last month had been wonderful to be sure, but Bucky wanted more than the barely there kisses and the touches that were just this side of hesitant and too careful. As if Steve was afraid he might break Bucky if he was handled with anything other than kid gloves and the utmost care.

A few months ago that may have been true even. But Bucky had come a long way since then and he wanted Steve. Wanted his lips and tongue and teeth to sear their imprints into his skin, wanted that deliciously hard body pressed tight to his own. He needed to feel the heat and passion that burned so brightly within Steve so that it burned away the last of the lingering chill left behind by Hydra. 

“As you wish.” Steve swore, wrapping his arms around the brunette and lifting him from the floor. Waiting until Bucky had wrapped his legs tightly around the blond’s waist before moving over towards their Christmas tree grabbing the soft fleece throw from the back of their couch. A quick flick of the wrist had the blanket spread on the floor in front of the tree and only a moment later Bucky felt himself laid out on top of the blanket as he looked up into the most beautiful, blue eyes he had ever seen.

“Bucky…” Steve whispered, eyes tracing slowly over the brunette’s supine form. One hand taking his weight as Steve leaned over Bucky. His other hand coming up and allowing one finger to softly trace over a pale cheek. Slowly dragging the digit down over soft, blush pink lips that parted on a silent gasp.

“You have no idea just how beautiful you are to me do you, Buck? I could look at you forever and never get enough.” Steve whispered, he loved the way the dark green of Bucky’s sweater brought out the blue of his eyes and the soft glow of his pale skin. Black jeans molded to every curve of his sinfully long legs and hugged his thighs in a way that almost made Steve jealous of goddamn fabric.

“You’d better plan on doing more than just looking at me tonight, Steve.” Bucky growled. This had been a long time in coming and Bucky was finally ready for more than what little they had done so far since being reunited.

Pulling his hand away from Bucky’s face, Steve bared his teeth in a filthy smile before slipping that same hand under Bucky’s shirt. Dragging it up slowly, eyes feasting on every inch of skin that slowly became bared to him.

“Oh my beautiful, precious Bucky, I plan on watching you all right. Watching you as I worship every single inch of you tonight, as I take you apart and put you back together. I am going to watch you fall apart on my hands and fingers, on my lips and tongue. Then when you are right there at the edge, I am going to fuck you so damn slowly, so deeply you will feel me for days afterwards.” Steve purred as he leaned down for a taste of all that gorgeous skin. A slow drag of his slick tongue up Bucky’s sternum until he was stopped by the sweater that had not yet been removed. Nosing gently at the barrier hiding the rest of that delicious skin from his eyes and mouth.

“Yes.” Bucky hissed, that was exactly what he wanted. He had missed this side of Steve so much and hadn’t realized just how much until now. Loved it when Steve let his mouth run away from his control and uttered such filthy things. When he allowed his guard to come down and take what he wanted, when he finally shed the disguise of polite and wholesome boy next door he wore with everyone else. It had always sent a thrill through him knowing that everything Steve said to him was exactly what he was going to do. 

Pulling back just enough to remove both Bucky’s as well as his own sweater, Steve quickly came back down to hold himself just over Bucky. Ravenous blue eyes locked to blue, lips barely an inch apart. 

“Then, when it’s all over. When you are nothing more than panting sweaty mess, unable to even hold yourself up, I am going to do it all over again.” Steve promised as he closed the small gap between them and swallowed the desperate moan the brunette gave.

 

****************************************

 

Bucky’s back arched almost painfully as he felt that wicked tongue thrust deeply inside of him once more. His body, damp with sweat, was shaded in various colors by the twinkling Christmas lights on the tree he was spread out beneath. Mouth shaped bruises kissed, sucked and bitten into his skin from neck to thigh. His flesh hand digging into Steve’s shoulder while metallic fingers tried desperately to find purchase in the blankets he lay on. 

A pleading, almost broken sound left his raw throat as Steve’s left hand grasped his hips and pulled him harder against his mouth. His right, working a third finger into him alongside that skilled tongue. Spreading and stretching Bucky open, giving him only a moment to savor the burn, before fucking those fingers deep inside in a hot, slick utterly filthy slide.

“Steve… p-please…’’ Bucky cried, twisting helplessly on those evil, perfect fingers. Twice already Steve had brought him over the edge, eyes fever bright as they did indeed watch Bucky shudder and cry through his orgasms. His body now so sensitive to Steve’s touch it was almost painful yet he never wanted it to stop. He wanted more of Steve though, needed more.

“One of these times I am going to see just how many times I can make you cum on my tongue and fingers alone. Over and over until you beg me to stop.” Steve swore with an absolutely filthy grin on his face as he pulled back. His hand releasing its grip on Bucky's hips as he moved up to lean over Bucky once more. 

“On another night I just might let you. Right now though, I want you inside of me.” Bucky growled. The idea excited him, he couldn’t lie about that. But it wasn’t what he wanted right then.

Steve braced himself above Bucky with his left hand while with his right he grasped himself and positioned himself at the brunettes well stretched entrance. Pushing forward inch by inch, small gasps and moans leaving them both at the still incredibly tight fit.

Stopping only once he could go no further, Steve forced himself to hold still, muscles tense and straining against the urge to just thrust hard and fast. It never ceased to amaze him just how fucking perfect Bucky had always felt. Despite how long it had been since they had last been together like this, it still felt like coming home to Steve. It was a feeling he never wanted to lose again.

“Buck…” Steve whispered as he took soft, slick lips in another kiss. Keeping the kiss gentle and loving as he allowed time for Bucky to adjust to him. 

Bucky moaned weakly, right arm coming up to wrap tightly around his lover’s broad shoulders. Nails biting into damp skin as he tried not to drown in the sensations running through his body. The fingers of his left hand holding tighter to the blanket they lay on. Both startled by the loud rip that sounded as Bucky pulled to hard. 

“Put your arms around me Baby.” Steve murmured, as he pulled his hips back slowly before thrusting forward once more equally slow. Hard and deep just as he had promised he would. He knew they may not last long, it had been too long for them both, but he was damn well going to make it as good for the other as he could.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Bucky managed to get out on a gasp as he felt Steve fill him once more. Oh how he had missed this. 

Not giving the other a chance to react, Steve pulled back and came up on his knees, grabbing Bucky’s hips and pulling them up onto his lap. Thrusting himself back in smoothly before grabbing both of Bucky’s wrist and dragging him up and draping both arms around his shoulders. Once he released the other’s wrists he allowed his own hands to drag slowly down Bucky’s back and to his hips. Grasping tightly to them again as he started moving once more.

Looking into Bucky’s startled blue eyes, Steve gave his lover a soft and loving smile.

“I am not glass Buck, you won’t break me so easily. Besides a little pain can be a good thing.” Steve purred, before giving a short but sharp thrust upwards. Hiding his smile as Bucky moaned loudly and practically wrapped himself around Steve. Right hand coming up to let his fingers tangle in blond hair, left hand clutching desperately at strong shoulders. His long legs wrapping around to cross behind Steve’s back, thighs tensing on each downward thrust he made to meet Steve’s own upwards movement. 

Bucky let himself get lost briefly in the feel of Steve, around him, in him. Giving him exactly what he had promised he would and what Bucky had asked from him from the start. But he was quickly discovering it was’t enough.

“More…” Bucky hissed, grinding his hips hard against Steve, trying to take him deeper within himself.

“Thought you wanted it slow tonight.” Steve panted, keeping the same pace but thrusting a little harder. Head spinning with just how good it felt to be inside Bucky again.

“No, I just wanted us tonight. That last Christmas you held nothing back. There was no one there to overhear us or interrupt. No threat of a court martial or worse just because we love each other. I want to feel that freedom again. I want to feel you, all of you, nothing held back.” Bucky whispered, licking at the blond’s lips with small flicks of his tongue. 

“Buck… Buck… god do you know how much I love you?” Steve managed to rasp out. Throat tight with emotion at Bucky’s words. He had never loved or wanted, anything or anyone like he wanted Bucky. For the second time that night Steve found himself manhandling Bucky, tilting them forward until Bucky fell back to the blanket, Steve keeping himself on his knees with Bucky’s ass still in his lap and legs around his waist. 

“Steve?”

“Brace yourself.” Steve growled. Bucky wanted nothing held back? Well then that is exactly what he was going to get. Pulling out and pressing back in hard and deep in a slow drawn out slide, Steve shuddered at the moan he dragged out of Bucky. Eyes blown with lust at the sight of Bucky writhing on his cock, lips bitten red and jagged, broken cries echoing around them. Picking up his speed the slightest bit while adding more force behind each thrust.

“Louder Buck, let me hear you. Or would you rather hear me? Is that what you want? For me to tell you how fucking amazing you feel? So hot and tight, so damn perfect every time. Christ I want you all the time, do you know that? Driving me insane with how beautiful you are.” Steve hissed through clenched teeth. Each slow thrust driving him a little closer to the edge, Bucky’s fingers pulling hard at his hair, metallic hand sliding down to grasp a forearm roughly. Cries becoming louder and more unhinged every time his prostate was hit.

Pleading cries were all the answer Bucky was able to give to Steve’s questions though, thighs straining to pull Steve faster, harder against him. Vision going dark at the edges as he felt his body tensing.

“Come on Buck. You’re so close aren’t you. Touch yourself baby, I want to see you fuck your fist as I fuck you.” Steve gasped as Bucky tightened around him at the words. 

Bucky was quick to do as asked, wrapping his flesh hand around himself and stroking quickly but firmly. Body starting to tremble from the intensity of the pleasure he felt. Too much and not enough at the same time, balancing on the edge and just needing that final small push.

“Yeah baby, just like that. Fuck you’re so damn hot like that. Cum for me Bucky, let me see you.” Steve ordered. 

The words he was waiting for seeming to unlock the gates that held him back, back arching beautifully and a loud, wrecked cry leaving his abused throat. Body shuddering hard as he came over his hand and abs. Body tightening almost painfully around Steve as his vision dimmed dangerously.

The sight of Bucky pushed Steve over the edge as well, fingers surely leaving bruises on the brunette’s hips as he shuddered. His hips snapping forward once, twice, three more times, cumming deep inside Bucky, before his body stilled a deep growl leaving him before he collapsed, barely managing to catch his weight before he ended up crushing his beloved.

Panting for air for several moments, before slowly pulling away. Stopped suddenly by the mismatched arms that wrapped tight around him once more.

“Stay. Please.”

“I just want to get something to clean us up. I will be right back I promise.”

“Not yet, just for now, please stay here.” Bucky whispered, voice raspy and shaky.

Steve said nothing at the show of sudden vulnerability from his lover, simply laid at Bucky’s side and pulled him closer. Not a word was said between them as they stared up at the Christmas tree overhead. The room around them warm and cozy from the dim light and the still going fire in the fireplace. It was the most peaceful either it felt since before the war.

After about twenty minutes though, Steve felt Bucky starting to shift and pulled back enough to look down at the other. The happiness shining in the blue eyes took his breath away, it had been a very long time since he had seen that look from Bucky.

“Thank you.”

“F-for what?” Steve asked in confusion. Surely Bucky wasn’t thanking him for what they just did. 

“For being there for me when I needed you to be, for giving me space when I needed that. For loving me enough to stay at my side even though I tried so hard to push you away so many times. For not giving up on me when so many others had.” Bucky said softly.

“Never thank me for that. I have loved you almost since the first day we met, Buck. I don’t see that changing anytime soon either. That means you are pretty much stuck with me, through good times and bad. I am not leaving.” Steve swore.

“If I didn’t know any better I would say that sounds like a proposal.” Bucky said with a smile.

“...”

“Wait, really?” Bucky asked, smile falling from his lips, shock in his eyes.

“Is it so surprising to know I want to spend the rest of my life with you?” Steve asked softly, bracing himself for the other to say no. After all, after everything Bucky had been through recently this was the last thing he needed added to his plate.

“Steve… our last Christmas together, you were so upset about your plans being cancelled. Why?” Bucky asked a thought forming in the back of his mind.

“I may have been planning something. I knew… back then I knew even if I asked you, that it wasn’t something we could do. Not in any legally binding way I mean. But yes I wanted to ask you then as well.” Steve whispered.

“And now?” 

“Open this.” Steve said as he stretched to reach the gift he had dropped when he first saw Bucky fall to his knees earlier in the night. Handing the small gift to the brunette he pulled back enough to watch as he opened the gift. 

“Oh Steve,” Bucky breathed, eyes wide as they stared at the dog tags.

“I couldn’t get you a ring back then. Too dangerous for us both if someone found out. I had these made for us, we could wear them under the uniforms and no one would know.” Steve said with a flush. It was cheesy he knew but he couldn’t help it, he had wanted something for them, some kind of symbol and the dog tags would go unnoticed unless they were seriously injured or dead and someone took them off the body. 

“To the end of the line? Really?”

“I mean it, Buck. I am with you forever. I will not leave you and I dare someone to try and take you away from me, I would burn the world down get you back. Where you go I follow, until the day you tell me to leave I am yours.” Steve promised.

“I think that I would like to keep these and you.” Bucky said softly, eyes still unable to look away from the dog tags.

“Is that a yes?”

“That is an ‘I still need time to heal from what was done to me but if you’re patient then this is something I would like to discuss in the near future’.” Bucky offered carefully, eyes dragging away from the gleaming metal, and pleading with Steve to understand that this wasn’t necessarily a no.

The blinding smile Steve gave him let him know he got the message loud and clear. 

“Take all the time you need baby, I will be right here whenever you are ready.” Steve said.

Bucky smiled before quickly slipping the dog tags on over his head, allowing them to rest on his bare skin and reflecting the soft light from the tree. He had no doubt that he would be giving Steve the answer he wanted sooner rather than later. There was no reason to keep either of them waiting any longer than necessary. He had a feeling that Steve would be getting a rather favorable answer much sooner than he thought.

**Author's Note:**

> [My Tumblr](http://magicandmalice.tumblr.com/)


End file.
